“I don’t struggle with those illicit sexual desires any longer,” says changed man
The following is an anonymous testimony of ‘Tim,’ who became involved in homosexual (bisexual) behavior but then left it behind through a renewed and strengthened commitment to his Maker:
I grew up in a very stable home with two loving parents. However, my dad and I are somewhat alike in personality, but with very different interests. He’s an outdoorsman. I’m a something of a “geeky nerd”. I never felt that I could quite please him. I love him, and he loves me. But we have clashed many times over my life. My two brothers are/were outdoorsmen, much like our dad. (My elder brother is deceased now.) I was the odd man out.
That being said, I struggled with thoughts/feelings of bisexuality for many years. I was not completely gay. I was still attracted to women. But there was a part of me that was curious and wanted to experience some things. I had a couple of very brief [homosexual] experiences in college and right after college. That scared me, and I just “knew” I was dying of AIDS or something. So, I did not act on these feelings (except in private fantasy) for a number of years.
In addition to my sometimes troublesome relationship with my dad, I also felt very insecure about women, even though I was attracted to them. I also did not want to “cheat” on my lovely wife, so I seldom entertained thoughts of doing anything with any other woman than my wife.
Some years back, I had a job in sales that required some travel. This enabled me (unfortunately) to have some freedom to initiate more experimentation. During that time I got a computer and an internet connection. To make a long story short, for a period of about nine years, I dabbled in male-to-male sexual contact — on again, off again. I would despise myself and would even be so sickened by these encounters that I would swear that I would never do it again. A few weeks would pass, and I would be involved again.
I developed a list of a few guys — some married like myself, some single gay guys — with whom I could meet for these experiences. I sorta viewed this as mutual masturbation, and not really cheating on my wife. Warped thinking, I know, but it’s how I rationalized/justified it. I had ONE brief oral experience with another woman, and I felt SOOO guilty for cheating on my lovely wife that I never repeated that experience again.
Keep in mind that no one in my church or my family had any clue of these events. I became very adept at hiding my activities — “working late,” usually. Finally, in the early part of 2008, I was SOOOOO SICK of the whole mess that I cried out to God for help. Another time I was kneeling in prayer, and in absolute soul-agony, I cried out to God that I was not fit to fill the positions in the church which I hold, but I did not know what to do, without destroying my family, and having a horrible impact upon my church.
I have diabetes, which was uncontrolled until . My blood sugar was very high, which greatly impairs one’s judgment. One evening I was on the computer chatting online. To make a long story short, a woman that I know took it upon herself to entrap me into a sexually explicit conversation online on this particular evening, using a fake name and profile. She used that conversation, in which I admitted to some homosexual encounters, to contact church officials and make all sorts of accusations against me — some true, some untrue.
I was confronted with this information. Needless to say, my world came crashing down. God was kind enough to me to allow me to be warned before I was confronted (someone had overheard a conversation about it). My wife knew nothing yet. I have two friends that know about my past, who both strongly advised me to deny anything about past bisexual activity, for the protection of my wife and my son. I told the pastor that there was an inappropriate conversation, but there were a lot of untrue statements in the packet (which was an accurate statement from me).
Then I met with the local Board of Trustees (of which I am a member), and told them the same thing. I offered to resign everything (I meant my positions in the church and my membership). The lady who had received the packet responded almost immediately with a true Christlike spirit of love and compassion. She told me that I needed to seek God. In other words, forget about resignations and punitive measures — just do what you need to do to get straightened out. The rest of the Board went along with her recommendation. I told my wife a couple of days later. However, I have never told any of them about the bisexual activity, for the protection of my family.
We had a revival at our church shortly after this, and I began to earnestly seek for God to give me complete and total deliverance. We believe in two works of grace: justification and sanctification. I prayed until I knew that all of my sins were forgiven. I received a Witness of the Holy Spirit that I was forgiven and that I was restored as a child of God. I then earnestly sought for the experience of Entire Sanctification. In this experience, one “dies out” to the carnal nature, with which every human is born, as a result of the fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
I prayed earnestly, night and day, for this experience. I sobbed and cried and prayed. I drive about an hour to work, and most of that time I’m alone. I prayed most of the way to and from work. I prayed myself to sleep at night. If I woke up in the night, I prayed. I was very worried about the consequences of telling the whole story, if God required it of me. I “died out” to those things. Finally, I prayed until I knew that whatever happened, it was all right. It is in God’s hand. I received a Witness and infilling of the Holy Spirit that I was sanctified to God’s will!!
The amazing thing is that I am delivered! I am changed. I don’t struggle with those illicit sexual desires any longer. I had opportunities to cheat on my wife with other women, and was probably to the point that I might have done it. Female co-workers often flirt with me, and I’m pretty sure I could have a fling with more than one of them, if I wanted. I was considering trying it, before this all came up. I don’t want to do that. I have a desire to please God. I do not look at men or women with lust in my heart. I am satisfied to make love to my wife exclusively. My horrible temper is gone. I am, in short, a new creature in Christ Jesus. [2 Corinthians 5:17]
The sad thing is that I really was saved and sanctified when young, but in my immaturity and my failure to maintain a close walk with God, I eventually backslid, and allowed things back into my heart. I wasted a lot of years. My wife put up with a very hard-to-live-with husband. My son put up with a hard-to-live-with dad. I am resolved to continue to walk closely with God, and to never let satan ever gain glory from my life again.
Again, this is confidential. Not even my wife and family know the part about the sexual activities. I am willing to tell them, when and if God requires it. He has not done so yet. God has become very close to me, and He guides me and talks to me. I want to keep close to Him. But I don’t know that it would ever be profitable to put my wife throught the pain of knowing what I did.